Since Andy died, guilt has found its way into my life in the most unexpected moments. Guilt after loss is one of the hardest things to carry — because no one teaches you what to do with it.
The Morning Guilt Found Me Again
I stoped being able to read. I could not hold a book or take in any of the words, I had to read the same line again and again. I also needed realness, facts, I had no time for fiction at all.
Only non-fiction audiobooks seem to reach me, probably because I’m still trying to make sense of what happened to him, to us, to me.
This morning, while listening to Now’s Not the Time for Flowers by Stacey Heale, a new layer of guilt hit me — one I didn’t even know I was carrying.
I remembered the morning Andy died. I had been about to swap places with my sister-in-law, taking our son to school so I could come straight back.
But when I was told Andy was in the process of dying, I froze. I couldn’t think straight.
Instead of rushing back home like I usually did so I could be there when our 4 year old son woke up and I could take him to school, I asked my sister-in-law to take our son to school and then come to the hospice. That was that. Decision made.
But today, 6.5 years later, it struck me: Why didn’t I bring my son to say goodbye to his daddy? Give his daddy a chance to feel his son nearby?
Cue the guilt storm
But after sitting with it, I realised:
• He had seen his dad the night before.
• It was a beautiful goodbye without being a traumatic one.
• Bringing him into that moment would have hurt more than helped.
• I did the best I could, with the information I had, in the middle of shock and heartbreak.
And that’s something I’ve learned over the years:
You only ever do the best you can in the moment you’re in.
It took me some time to believe that, I felt better finding all the the ways I could mentally punish myself – but for what?
Journal Prompts to Help You Process Guilt
If guilt is eating at you today, maybe try journaling with these prompts:
🖋️ What were the actual circumstances at the time?
🖋️ What options did I realistically have?
🖋️ Would I have done anything differently, knowing only what I knew then?
You only ever do the best you can in the moment you’re in
And that’s more than enough.
Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
I’m right here with you,
x
Orla
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